Family Portrait 全家福

我甚至不知道该从哪里开始写起。

今天，我伤害了一个我最不愿意伤害的人。而那个人，恰恰是我生命中最重要的人之一

最让我难受的，不只是自己心里的痛，而是我知道，她所承受的痛苦，或许比我更加深刻。我看着她难过，却好像什么都做不了。

我无法改变眼前的局面，也无法抚平她心里的情绪。那种明明很在乎一个人，却无能为力的感觉，真的让我感到无比挫败。

今天，我什么也吃不下。每当脑海里浮现出失去她的画面，眼泪便忍不住在眼眶里打转。

当我终于意识到她对我有多重要时，一切却已经来不及了。我真的不想失去她， 却又无所欲为。

我本应该早点告诉她我的心意，更应该从一开始就好好对待我们之间的关系。如果我早一点懂得珍惜，早一点把该做的事情做好，也许当她感到失落、难过，甚至对这个世界感到疲惫的时候，第一个浮现在她脑海中的人，就会是我， 她就不会出去找别人，不需要独自承受那些情绪，也不需要再去别的地方寻找一份本该由我给予的安慰。

她会知道，无论发生什么，我都在这里

我多么希望，她以后再也不必经历这样的事情。我希望自己能够成为那个让她安心的人，而不是那个让她难过的人。我希望，当她脆弱的时候，她能够毫无顾虑地来到我身边，因为她知道，我会接住她

可是，人生最残忍的地方，大概就是有些道理，我们总要等到快要失去的时候，才终于明白

如果这个世界上真的有一位精灵，能够实现我的愿望，那么我一定会毫不犹豫地许下同一个愿望

我想重写我们的故事

我不想让我们的幸福，从某一个失去彼此的时刻才开始计算，也不想让剩下的六十年，变成对前三年所有遗憾的补偿

我希望我们能够一起走过那些平凡却珍贵的日子，分享生活里的喜悦，也共同承担人生里的风雨。等到很多年以后，再回头看这段故事时，我们记得的不是错过、后悔和眼泪，而是那些曾经一起笑过、哭过、努力过，最终也没有放开彼此的日子

我知道，现实没有精灵，也没有真正的时光机

我无法回到过去，无法抹去已经发生的事情，也无法替她决定是否还愿意留在我的生命里

但如果还有机会，如果我们的故事还没有真正结束，我希望我们能重新翻开属于我们的下一页，把那些还没来得及实现的约定，慢慢变成回忆，把曾经憧憬过的未来，一天一天地过成现实

我不想再等到失去的时候，才明白拥有的意义

我只希望，她能够知道，她对我而言，真的很重要

在她还在我身边的时候，就让她真切地感受到，她从来都值得被好好珍惜

如果可以重写我们的故事，我希望结局不必被改写，因为从一开始，我们就没有走错

—— 日记第一天

今天，是我忍住不去打扰你的第二天

整整一天一夜，我努力克制着自己，不去找你，不给你发信息，不去打破你想要的安静。我把所有想对你说的话，都留在了心里

那些打了一遍又一遍、却始终没有发送出去的句子，最后只能变成这本自己写给自己的日记

我原以为，把心里的话写下来，至少能够让我好受一些

可写了这么多，心里好像还是空荡荡的。文字能够替我说出那些无法说出口的话，却没有办法替我传达给你，更没有办法让我知道，你现在究竟过得怎么样

我知道你不开心，也知道你现在可能并不想看见我的消息

我很想找你，很想发一条信息问问你，哪怕只是一句简单的问候也好

但每当我想到，这样的主动可能只会让你更加生气，更加失望，甚至让你觉得我根本没有尊重你的决定时，我又不得不把这个念头压下去

可是，我也不得不承认，我真的很想你

我甚至不知道，自己现在到底应该怎么做

我究竟应该自私一点，再一次主动联系你，只为了让自己能够稍微安心一些？
还是应该什么都不做，安安静静地尊重你的决定，即使我心里有一千件事情想为你做，即使只要你愿意给我一个机会，我真的会尽我所能去做？

你已经很坚定地告诉我，不要再做什么了

我知道，我不能因为自己难受，因为自己舍不得，因为自己害怕失去你，就把这些情绪变成打扰你的理由。

爱一个人，不应该只是拼命想靠近她，也应该懂得在她需要空间的时候停下来

但说起来容易，真正做到的时候，才发现原来这么难

我每天都习惯了知道你的消息，习惯了想起什么就告诉你，习惯了在生活的某个瞬间，脑海里自然而然地出现你的名字。现在，我必须逼着自己停下来，不能像从前那样，想你了就找你，担心你了就问你，看到有趣的事情就第一时间分享给你

那些曾经再普通不过的事情，如今却成了我最不敢轻易触碰的习惯

你知道吗？我现在最想问你的，其实都不是什么特别重要的问题

你现在在做什么？

今天过得怎么样？

有没有好好吃饭？

今天有没有遇到什么让你开心的事情？

工作累不累？心情有没有比昨天好一点？

今天有没有好好照顾自己？

这些问题，平凡得不能再平凡。平凡到以前的我可能根本不会意识到，原来能够自然地问出这些话，本身就是一种很珍贵的幸福

我不是非要知道你每时每刻在做什么，也不是想要干涉你的生活。

我只是想知道，在我看不见你的这一天里，你有没有好好地生活，有没有按时吃饭，有没有因为某件小事而笑一笑

如果你今天过得很好，我希望自己能够由衷地为你感到开心。

如果你今天过得不好，我又很想知道，究竟发生了什么，有没有什么事情让你觉得委屈，有没有什么烦恼压在你的心里

如果你累了，我想提醒你早点休息。

如果你忘了吃饭，我想提醒你不要总是忽略自己的身体。

如果你遇到了开心的事情，我想成为那个听你分享的人，陪你一起开心。

如果你遇到了不开心的事情，我想成为那个愿意安静听你说话的人，即使我给不了什么有用的建议，至少也能让你知道，你不必什么事情都自己扛着。

原来，我想念的，不只是你这个人。
我也想念那些能够自然地关心你、参与你的生活，知道你今天过得好不好，而不需要在每一句话发出去之前，都反复思考会不会打扰到你的日子。

我想念我们之间曾经拥有的那份自然

想念可以理所当然地问候你，可以毫无顾虑地分享生活，可以在一天结束的时候，知道自己仍然是那个能够走进你世界的人

现在，我甚至连一句简单的「你今天还好吗」，都必须先问自己无数遍：我应该发吗？发了会不会让你更难受？不发的话，你会不会觉得我根本不在乎？

可我明明很在乎

只是到了现在，我才发现，原来在乎一个人，却不能按照自己的心意去关心她，是一件这么令人无助的事情。
我想让你知道，我没有因为你的沉默就不再关心你，也没有因为你让我停下来，就突然不想知道你的近况。
我只是努力地学习，如何在想念你的时候，不把自己的想念变成你的负担

我也希望自己能够明白，尊重你的决定，并不代表我不在乎你；不去打扰你，也不代表我已经放下了你。

只是现在的我，真的很想找到一个刚刚好的距离

近到我仍然能够关心你，远到不会让你感到压力

可我知道，这个距离不能只由我来决定

我不能因为自己觉得怎样才是对你好，就擅自替你决定什么才是你需要的。我也不能因为我有很多话想说，就认为你现在就应该听

如果你需要的是安静，那么我应该给你安静

如果你需要的是时间，那么我应该给你时间

即使这段时间对我而言，每一分每一秒都过得很慢

今天的我，依然有很多话想对你说，也依然很想知道你过得好不好

但我会试着把这些话留在这里，把那些忍不住想要找你的冲动，写进这一页又一页的日记里

也许这些文字并不能真正安慰我，也不能让我更靠近你

但至少，在这里，我可以诚实地承认，我很想你。我担心你，也很希望你能够好好的

我只是可惜， 不太够时间去拥抱你

—— 日记第二天

夜晚，似乎又一次成为了我最熟悉的朋友

不知道从什么时候开始，凌晨三点、四点已经变成了我的日常。曾经应该是闭上眼睛、好好休息的时间，如今却成了我思绪最活跃的时刻

我突然想起，你好像也一直很喜欢深夜

我不禁在想，这是不是也是你喜欢夜晚的原因呢？除了那些辗转反侧、怎么也睡不着的日子，是不是因为只有到了深夜，整个世界终于安静下来，你才能真正拥有属于自己的时间，静静地整理那些白天来不及消化的情绪，想着那些不知该向谁诉说的心事？

还是说，你只是单纯地喜欢夜晚带给你的那份宁静？

直到现在，当我也开始习惯一个人熬过漫长的深夜，才渐渐明白，原来夜晚的安静，有时候既是一种安慰，也是一种折磨

因为没有人打扰，所以可以尽情地思考；却也正因为太安静了，那些想念、遗憾和说不出口的话，反而变得格外清晰

不知道你以前喜欢夜晚的时候，心里是不是也有过这样的感受

如果有机会，我真的很想听你说说，你眼中的夜晚，究竟是什么样子的

白天的时候，我还能试着让自己忙碌起来，假装一切都还好

可是每当夜深人静，周围的一切都安静下来，那些被我暂时压在心底的思念，就会一点一点地浮现出来

今天，我依然没有联系你

可是，我心里却一直有一个小小的担忧

如果我今天没有给你发信息，你会不会觉得我已经不在乎你了？会不会觉得我没有再努力，没有再争取，甚至觉得我已经开始慢慢放下了？

我真的希望你不会这么想

因为事实恰恰相反

我没有联系你，并不是因为我不想，而是因为我太想了，想得必须一次又一次提醒自己，不要因为自己的情绪，再去打扰你

原来，想念一个人最难受的，不是没有话可以说，而是心里有千言万语，却连一句最简单的问候，都不敢轻易送出去

今天，我一个人去了新山

去剪了头发，也把头发染回了黑色

其实，这原本只是一件再普通不过的小事

可是当我再次经过新马关卡，走上那些熟悉的道路时，脑海里却不自觉地浮现出我们曾经一起走过的画面

我还记得，那时候我们一起过关卡，一起搭车，一起去发廊。剪完头发后，我们又一起去 R&F 吃早餐

甚至连那些微不足道的小细节，我都还记得

比如，我们一起走去洗手间

说起来真的有点好笑，对吧？

明明只是再平凡不过的事情，平凡到当时的我们可能根本不会特别留意

可是如今，当我一个人重新走过这些地方的时候，才发现原来这些不起眼的小瞬间，早已经悄悄成为了我心里最珍贵的回忆

那些画面清晰得仿佛就发生在昨天。
我仿佛还能看见我们一起走路的样子，想起当时随口聊过的话，想起身边有你陪伴时，那种不需要刻意寻找快乐，却已经觉得很幸福的感觉

以前总觉得，幸福应该是一些特别的日子，或是精心安排的惊喜

可是现在我才慢慢明白，原来真正让人怀念的，往往不是那些轰轰烈烈的时刻

而是有人陪你过关卡，有人陪你搭车，有人陪你吃一顿普通的早餐

甚至只是一起去一趟洗手间，都能在往后的某一天，成为让人鼻酸的回忆

今天，我走过了那些熟悉的地方

只是这一次，身边少了一个你

后来，我去了按摩，想着或许按摩能够让我放松一点，让自己暂时不要想那么多
结果还挺好笑的。
按摩师在整个过程中，不停地叫我放松
Relax, relax.
一次又一次

我想，她大概也没想到，眼前这个来按摩的人，身体躺在那里，脑袋却完全没有停下来过

明明是花钱来放松的，结果却连放松这么简单的一件事情，都变得如此困难

我自己也觉得有点无奈

原来有时候，身体的疲惫可以靠休息缓解，可是心里的疲惫，却不是一场按摩就能够轻易带走的

按摩结束后，我又一个人去了 City Square 吃晚餐

一个人找位置，一个人点餐，一个人吃饭

其实，一个人吃饭并不是什么特别的事情。以前的我，也不是没有试过独自出门

只是今天，不知道为什么，身边的空位显得特别明显

看着周围来来往往的人，我又忍不住想起你

如果我们现在还像以前一样，如果今天我们还是能够自然地陪伴在彼此身边，你会不会刚好愿意用一天补休，陪我一起来新山呢？

我们是不是会一起过关卡，一起剪头发，然后再慢慢地找个地方吃东西？

或许你会想去逛逛街，或许我们会临时决定去按摩，又或者什么特别的事情都不做，只是随意地走走、吃吃、聊聊天

我甚至能够想象，我们可能会为了吃什么而犹豫半天，最后又随便选一家店坐下来

这些画面，只是想一想，就觉得很美好

同样的一天，同样的地方，同样的行程，原来只要身边的人不同，感受就可以如此不一样

以前有你陪伴的时候，我从来没有特别想过，原来那些日子是这么值得珍惜的

直到今天，我才真正体会到

有些地方之所以让人怀念，不是因为那个地方有多特别，而是因为曾经陪你去的人，是你心里特别的那个人

在结束这篇日记之前，我还是想在这里轻轻地问你一句：

今天过得好吗? Little Hedgie

希望你一切都好

今天，我一个人重新走过了我们曾经一起走过的地方

风景没有变，道路没有变，甚至连那些熟悉的店铺都还在那里

只是这一次，我终于发现，原来我最想重温的，从来都不是那些地方，而是当时有你在身边的日子

如果有一天，我们还能一起去新山，我会用行动让你感受到，你一直都是我想认真陪伴、用心珍惜的人，而不只是藏在回忆里的人

—— 日记第三天

Today is your last day of work before you finally get to rest and enjoy your little cruise getaway.
I wonder what you've been up to these past few days..

Have you been happy? Has work been treating you well? Have you been eating your meals regularly and most importantly, are you excited for tomorrow?

Have you packed everything? Have you started thinking about all the food you're going to eat, the places you're going to explore, or perhaps you're just looking forward to doing absolutely nothing for once?

I guess that's what I miss the most. Not just talking to you, but being part of your everyday life. Knowing the little things, hearing about your day, and being someone you could share even the most ordinary moments with.
I decided to write in English as I remember you reading very slowly for the book, like you are back to O level for Chinese comprehension again haha (provided you are even reading this) :’)

The haze seems to be getting worse day by day, too.
I hope you've been taking care of yourself. If the air quality gets bad, please remember to wear a mask when you're outside, if you have one, don’t need to feel awkward or what.

I also know that you don’t have an an air purifier at your place. If you have considered or are looking for one, you can look at this https://e.tb.cn/h.jXWk85jv6FmT3cZ?tk=wCKkTtVv49M.

This is better than most of the ones out there and it’s only about $300 , since indonesia every year got haze too, i think will be a good investment for your family, especially for your ah ma also. You don't necessarily have to get this particular one, of course. I just thought it might be useful for your family.

Suddenly, I miss the kimchi soup that you made. And if you are still thinking that I am lying to you about it being 8/10 and that it is one of the best kimchi soup i ever tasted, i am really genuine in that in case I sound unappreciative again.

The feeling of preparing food together, sitting down beside each other, and putting on a show while we eat.

Nothing extravagant. No fancy restaurants, no expensive dates, no elaborate plans.

Just the two of us, enjoying something we made together, watching the same screen, occasionally commenting on the show, laughing at something silly, or simply sitting comfortably in each other's company.

Something so simple, yet so incredibly comforting and fulfilling that, for those few hours, it felt like there was nowhere else in the world I would rather be.

Because when I imagine the kind of happiness I want in life, it isn't always about travelling to beautiful countries, staying in luxurious hotels, or having extraordinary experiences.
Of course, those things would be wonderful too, especially with you.

But sometimes, happiness is just coming home after a long day, knowing that there's someone you love waiting for you.

It's deciding what to cook for dinner, going grocery shopping together, arguing playfully over which ingredients to buy, and figuring out what to watch while we eat.

It's sitting next to each other in comfortable silence, not feeling the need to constantly talk or entertain one another.

It's knowing that even on the most uneventful day, simply having each other's company is enough to make that day meaningful.

I think that's something I didn't fully appreciate before.

I used to assume that there would always be another opportunity.

Another dinner together.
Another show to watch.
Another weekend to spend doing absolutely nothing.

But I realise now that all those little moments I thought would always be there were never something I should have taken for granted.

They were precious precisely because we were sharing them together.

And perhaps that's what makes remembering them so bittersweet now.

At the time, I didn't realise I was living through moments that I would one day miss this much.
I was simply happy to be there.
And now, I find myself wishing I could experience those ordinary evenings again, even just for a little while.

Not because I want to change anything about them, but because I wish I had been more present, more appreciative, and more aware of how fortunate I was.

And maybe, just maybe, I wish we could make that kimchi soup together again, this time with the powder.

Enjoy your cruise tomorrow after your work today, and eat all the yummy food there is at the cruise, see the sunset if any, and have fun ！

And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I never want to overlook those moments again.
I hope your day today was good.

我记得你所有的喜好， 每一个习惯我都知道。 别改变的太快好不好？

—— 日记第四天

It’s… Hedgehog Hedgeh0gg restday ! You can finally sleep in till about 3+ pm again, and probably… finding whatever you can find in the fridge to eat for lunch again. How I wish I could store it with something else so that you can eat something better and healthier..

I wonder if that’s what happened exactly today.

I wonder what time is your cruise? I remember you could work and go but you decided to just take your off in lieu (good choice), which probably means that it will be at evening time when you go on a cruise. I hope you packed everything and double checked, and most important thing is charger and passport maybe?

When you are back on your cruise on Sunday, I will be flying off at 2am as well. I thought that it would be a SIA flight, but it is a Royal Brunei airplane, not sure why. To be honest, I am quite afraid of my nausea and symptoms acting up again at the plane/australia, afraid that overthinking might cause it as well. I just hope I will be fine.

I have been in the army today for briefing for the flight and Australia stuff, and will be heading off in about 2 days time.

Do you want to know something funny as well? Do you remember that there is a Cookhouse (ordinary food) and Canteen (paid food). The Canteen apparently sells alcohol from 5:30pm - 10:30pm in the army camp.. But they say those people that got training etc the next early morning can’t drink or something like that. Would you think that it is really unique?

I can still remember us talking about calling each other while I am there, showing you the skies so that you can see what I am seeing through my lens or perhaps, we would just stay on the call for a while, looking at the same blue sky from two completely different places.

I can imagine you being excited or curious and asking me questions - about the temperature there, the food, the place that we are staying etc. Should have really put you in the bag, kidding. From there you talked about seeing the Milky way, going to France/Paris to explore the world, to see the stars and the beautiful sky which I will remember..

I think I was looking forward to that more than I realised.

Looking forward to hearing that familiar voice of yours. The voice that somehow always managed to make me feel comfortable, even on days when I am exhausted, stressed, or had a hundred things running through my mind.

I miss her.

你说过想看银河，想去巴黎，想看看这个世界不一样的天空。我都记得。只是我没想到，有一天我真的有机会去看那些风景时，最想分享的人，却不一定还在电话的另一端

—— 日记第五天

T-1 to you coming back and to me flying off.

How was your night on the cruise? I had never been on a cruise before. I always wondered if it's  actually comfortable and does the ship jerk from time to time when you sleep?

如果时间愿意再给我一次机会，我想从零开始，重新认识你，重新爱你，把曾经没做好的事情，一件一件做好。不是用余生弥补过去的遗憾，而是想用未来的两万一千九百天，让你真真切切地感受到，被爱、被珍惜、被坚定选择的幸福。只是这一次，我希望故事的最后，依然是我们 From your cruise to nowhere, I have also imagined for weeks or rather, since the time you told me about your China - Chongqing trip with your friends, about us going together instead, so that you don’t have to feel like a third wheel, having to accommodate their preferences and plans instead of being able to do the things you genuinely wanted to do.


And I thought, wouldn't it be nice if we could plan a trip where you wouldn't have to worry about any of that?But It’s all because of me, I know, and perhaps I took much time to know it. I can only write silently and wish that I have another time to rebuild us from Ground 0, to make the next 60 years, or 21,900 days happy for her and for us.

A trip where we could decide everything together.Ahh.. If only that can happen.

Where we wanted to go, what we wanted to eat, which attractions we wanted to visit, and even which days we simply wanted to take things slowly.

And I think that would have been part of the fun. Capturing that moment is memory itself that we can store and keep in books for us to revisit the memories in the future.I wanted you to have the freedom to enjoy the activities that genuinely interest you, without feeling like you were inconveniencing anyone or having to put someone else's preferences before your own.


And perhaps, I also wanted it to be our very first official trip together.Maybe we'd have to record the same scene five or ten times because one of us kept laughing or doing something wrong.

Our own little adventure.

Maybe we'd be a little awkward in front of the camera at first.I imagined us exploring Chongqing's streets, seeing the city lights at night, trying all kinds of food, and probably getting lost somewhere because we took a wrong turn.


Maybe we'd laugh about it.I wanted us to start doing those too.

Maybe we'd get a little frustrated trying to figure out the directions.

At the same time, create those Tiktok videos that we see online, the travel videos, the little transitions, the clips where we document our adventures together. But at least we'd have another story to tell afterward.


I thought it would be a lovely way to end the year.But I had hoped that, if we ever reached a better place, it could be something meaningful for us to look forward to.

After everything that had happened, perhaps we could create some new memories, enjoy each other's company, and welcome the new year with a little more hope.I know a trip perhaps wouldn’t magically fix the wound/things that need to be worked on.

—— 日记第六天